I Just Had My Coffee And Now I Must Kill You . . . Well, Maybe.


A new study from the University of Innsbruck in Austria found that people who prefer their coffee black often show psychopathic or sadistic tendencies.

The study, published in the journal Appetite, surveyed over 1,000 adults about their flavor preferences. They also took four different personality tests that evaluated  traits like narcissism, psychopathy, sadism, and aggression.

But you see,  I must ask if is this a fair and accurate study.  And I think Dr. Phil would back me up on this. First of all this research was done by people who yodel.

Second, it seems to me that if some of those in the study DIDN’T have their black coffee we might observe far worse problems like binge shopping at IKEA, extreme urges to eat rice cakes or watching whole seasons of Big Brother in one sitting.

I have friends who if they have not had strong coffee by 7am might actually tune in to MSNBC.

However, the Austrian research also found that individuals who enjoy milky or sugary coffee, and other sweet flavors, generally tended to have more agreeable personality traits like sympathy, cooperation, and kindness. What was not mentioned is that they also tend to like the Hallmark Channel and have seen Sound of Music (also filmed in Austria) at least seven times.

If black coffee actually does cause these severe reactions, then perhaps, like with guns, it should be required that anyone ordering straight up java must first fill out government paperwork and not receive their beverage until after a three-day waiting period. They would be then have been registered and fingerprinted to help expedite future purchases.

But the real question is: can’t we just leave well enough alone when it comes to our little moments of joy that aren’t really hurting anybody? Do we have to keep doing studies that potentially add more angst to such other guilty pleasures as downing whipped cream right out of the container, eating a whole quart of Haagen – Dazs or polishing off a complete box of Cheez Its and calling it dinner?

And frankly, when are they going to share results that suggest something most people don’t like is bad for you, huh?  Just once I’d like to hear . . . Today a study from the University of Fargo has proven that eating even one lima bean, maraschino cherry or black olive can have you in the grave in mere weeks! More on the evening news with Scott Pelley.

Now that’s a study I want to read more about while I’m drinking my morning cup of brew. Black. Sure, I can wait. You gotta pen?



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